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For someone who claims to "talk better in words", I surely do not write that much, especially on this blog. It feels like I have forgotten how to write and how to pour out my feelings into words. Social media plays a big part on this situation per se. I keep scrolling my Twitter timeline until my hand hurts from it.

Well, that's another story for another time (me and social media, I mean).

Now, let's talk (or read) about something that has been bugging me for a couple days now.

Personal attachment.

It's a sensitive topic even for me, especially because I decided to write it on my blog and share it to the whole world (literally).

But, let's see how things will go first.

It's all started when I was still in middle school and had this tiny crush on a boy. Let's call him C to make it easier.

So, I knew C because I saw him. A lot. With his girlfriend. Right in front of my class.

I didn't think much about it at that time, only "Ah, what a pity, she already has a girlfriend" and nothing more. He didn't know me so I didn't see the point as why I had to show my feelings to him. Not to mention I was still in middle school and being in a relationship was a bizarre thing for me although many friends of mine were doing it around that time.

Unfortunately, the world likes to turn things into something funny and unexpected; C got into the same high school with me (sigh, Tangerang and its small area).

Again, unfortunately, that tiny crush grew into a big crush without me realizing. He knew me not as a stranger anymore, but acquaintace. That, for me, was a big achievement.

Sadly, my stupid ass decided that it was okay to take the next step. No, I didn't tell my feelings to him, no. I didn't have the courage to do so.

Let's just say, in the end he knew that I liked him.

I liked him enough that I cried like a drama queen when I found out he was in a relationship with my classmate.

I might not have mentioned this before, but the "acquaintace" status kinda turned into something more than what I expected. I was happy. I was delirious. Ask my close friends from high school and all of them would tell the same thing. God, I even sure that the whole school knew about my crush on him.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't expect us to be something more.

Yikes. I know.

To make things more embarrassing, he knew that I cried and even had the audacity to ask me whether I'm okay or not.

I still remember what he said even until now.

"I heard you're crying. Are you okay? Is it because of me? I'm sorry."

Men and their stupid thoughts.

Well, I did cry because of him but he didn't have to say that so blatantly right in front of my face. That saddened me even more, knowing that he had such an impact on me.

I didn't talk to him anymore since that day. We were back to stranger. Tho, the feelings lingered for a long time because I saw him, like, f*cking everyday because his girlfriend was my classmate. I tried to get close to another boy (C's close friend smh I feel bad) but it didn't work.

That's why I resent high school so much. I rejected all the invitation from high school friends, whether it's "bukber" or just hang out together. I hate everything about high school because that reminds me of him (and my stupidity), even the unrelated ones.

(The positive effect: I tried to forget by studying. I didn't go out from class unless needed. Thank God, I did get in UI through SNMPTN *winks*.)

Fast forward, the lingered feelings have long forgotten. I remember him as nothing more than a victim of my stupid crush. I feel sorry to him, but I feel so so sorry to myself. I didn't know the heartbreak that I went through would be the cause of something bigger; which is the fear of breaking an attachment with someone.

That's why the thought of being with someone scares me a lot. It's scaring me how someone could hurt you in less than a minute or make you happy with a single action.

It's different from a rejection. In rejection, you haven't felt that attachment with someone hence you tried to get attached but receiving a, well, rejection instead. But breaking an attachment? That's another story.

I know myself very well. And I know how the breaking attachment would take its toll on me once I do that. 

And that's what I'm feeling right now. I know I have to break this emotional attachment one way or another. I know someday I have to do that. That's the part of being an adult that I hate the most. Your friends keep telling you to forget it in order of growing up. How could I forget when he's playing a big part of my growing up phase? He's like a muse. I feel a lot of emotion when I see him.

(I didn't talk about C here. Dia udah ke laut.)

And people told you to forget it, as if that's the easiest thing to do.

Society sucks. They'll force you to do something or anything only to make you take a part in it. Sometimes I want to be a rebel and just live the way I want. But our life is full with judgment. No matter how many times you said to yourself that it'd be okay or don't think about what others said, it'll affect you nevertheless.

The ambivalent emotion of thinking about parting in times of love, and downfall during times of success is difficult to overcome. So anybody must inevitably carry loneliness and darkness along.

Until next time.